where do i start?

11Nov08

Its been a while since I’ve written. My head hurts thinking about it.

One new thing in my life that, is weird to say, that I’m really happy about is me & Alex. I am weirdly happy and today when we were cuddling I was smiling so much. And genuinly. I dont know how its possible someone has made me feel like this as I am usually an un- selconfessed ice queen in relationships and can hide my feelings away pretty easy and pretend theyre not there, or just not have them completely. So for this to come along is completely out of the blue. Dave never made me feel secure or happy, I was always worried and thought bad things about myself and the relationship and never felt I could open up & when I tried he just wouldnt respond. Wheras I feel comfortable telling Alex cos he can just laugh it off or make a bad or serious conversation comfortable and not a big deal. He bought me cigarettes, pringles and jelly tots the other day by surprise to my flat. He came and sat with me in the library on my hour break. I feel all soppy right now, after he left I felt so awake and happy, atm I’m worried about certain people & this weekend & MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! the bane of my exsistenec.efneoce.

Ive got reading week for Theology this week. Lucky I didnt get up and go to my lecture this morning cos I wanted a lie in! Me and Alex went into town and we had a wagamamas and I got Fleurs birthday present (finally!) phew! Its a nautical cardi, these nice brown coloured leggings with foothole things and some rose earrings. I might get her something else too but really with the little monies I have I probably shouldnt!

I ordered these on the credit card yesterday. Fucks sake.

In 28.5mm and the others are silcone and in ‘true blue’. Niiice.

Going to subculture later yay! Me Andy and Alex went to cockpit last week and it was mega fun. Seomone took a picture of me for a magazine. Weird.

Stuff that is interesting me:

YES WELLIES.

I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH:

oooh hopefully posting these will help me not buy them. Ive got this stupid essay to do on ailentated labour, I NEED to get inspired! its not working. ive got the opposite effect of thing of all things material and posessiony! ok im off this has taken far too long ! xxxx

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what a week

26Oct08

Yes well, strangest week in the world. People are blowing fireworks off every minute from outside which is less than infuriating but more than annoying. Im dying of some fluent cough right now as are my flatmates. I’ve only smoked one cigarette in 3 days (go me.)

So tuesday was nervous breakdown down. I dont know what happened. It was ridiculous. Actually like an out of body experience, except it was me, with my feelings, in the places I go. I feel sorry for Harry and Liz who had to take care of me and the receptionist who I burst into tears on and who drove us to A&E. Harry doesnt think its best im in the Low Mood Group now (a group to tackle how bad moods get in the way of work and to work through them) which I find pretty dissappointing. I understand where he is coming from though as I was hysterical and he said people who are suicidal cant take part due to the hypnosis. I was only like that though because of whatever I snapped in to, I dont have any intention of doing anything like that. I just dont know what happened. So after A&E the psychiatrist referred me to Mallam House, which is like a day hospital or somewhere to go after a crisis. I met a really nice girl who was my age on the first day but she was really ill and had to go into a proper hospital the next day, which was really sad because she was sweet and even though mixed up I could tell she was a good person. Its sad seeing it happene to people when you know you can have no hand in helping them out as theyre in such a dark place.

I didnt really speak to anyone much the first couple of days, kind of hid in the second sitting room and slept and did my reading. My essay didnt get done which I feel so sick about and upset with myself about. But during the circumstances I suppose its not as bad as if I had just not done it, I have had to be in the silly place alot. Its not horrible there, I just feel stripped of something when I go there… I’m no longer me, I’m a mentally ill version of me and I dont like it. I can be vunerable and act however I want because everyone understands! I dont like that! I need to pull myself together and pretend that everythings calm under the surface because then eventually it is! Its not fun but thats the way it goes!

On Wednesday night I was not keen on staying in after I’d been in the day hospital all day and Jess text me asking me if I wanted to go to Atreyu and As I Lay Dying with her. I agreed seeing as I wasnt doing much else and if I stayed in I’d probably loose it. We had fun tho and got lots of chats in. I spent £15 on 3 drinks which left me in pain by the end of the night and we ended up leaving through Atreyus set. Everyone was about 14 there. We spotted two hot guys though who we kept our eye on then found out it was one of Katies friends from Cardiff who I’d met at Download breifly. So we hung out with them for a bit and they both had Atreyu tattoos (haha) and the short guitarist was lurking about so Jess went up to him and he took pictures of them and then was like “do you guys want a picture then?” haha yeah right! we got one anyway but seriously WHO ASKS THAT! I walked home by myself without getting attacked and collapsed in bed.

OH GOD, I forgot about Monday night. Ok so me and Dave had just pretty much broken up. I hit the bottle, pretty hard, I remember little. We went to a gay club with Andrew, Olly, Steph and Jayson. Now, apparently I ended up making out with a few girls, Jayson (who is gay) and falling asleep on the sofa. Wonderful. Whats with me.

Thursday I had another day of not going to lectures and to the day hospital instead. I did 60 pages on reading then came home and Olly & chris walked me half way to the Uni where I went to meet Alex. We went for a drink at the Union and played pool (which I won) even though I was shit at it and I only won cos he potted black (or something like that, I dont know the rules) then we walked into town and went to Subculture but the music was SHIT so we went to Oceana but it was £6 to get in so we longed that off. I was really tired so he walked me back to mine, came into mine for a few cigs and then left as I died in pain again.

Friday I wake up after a night of hot and cold feverish type feelings.  Blocked nose, headache, muscle pain everywhere especially back pain. My eyes cained if I looked into light. Couldnt go into lectures or to Mallam House cos I didnt want to infect anyone. My mum came up at 3 and I felt bad for not meeting her at the station or showing much effort or excitement (my mood has been on one very constant level of BLEUGH this week though) we just went to the shop on Friday and then watched TV which was cool. She stressed me out a bit but saturday was worse. We went shopping and I took my Lorazepam and painkillers so I was pretty sweeet during most of the day but then after a good lot of shopping in the Topshop sale and in Peacocks we went into River Island where I found the lushest dress. It was in a 6 so I was happy & went to try it on. My mum comes in a the zip is caught and she thinks I cant fit into it. THEN when we get the security tag off the zip does up but she says “oooh this is tight, better not get any fatter” FATTER? FATTER? did you HAVE TO SAY THAT? not even that sentence BUT THAT WORD. Ive been in that fucking place for a week (ok, I’m not over exagrreatiing being there it could be worse) BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT. She knows I still have eating issues, not puking issues but eating issues she knows. The more I think about it the more i get angry and upset. Whatever. Then we went for a Nandos and to the cinema to see ‘Burn After Reading’ which was really funny, except we were so close to the front but it didnt actually hurt my eyes that bad. Brad Pitt was so funny in it, I was pretty upset when he got shot haha. Then we bumped into Chloe & Bridie in the toilets which was mega conicidental! It was good tho, I was so spaced out it didnt feel real (alot feels like that lately). Me and my mum had a mini arguement when we got home but I had loads of fun sleeping on the hard floor again and waking up at 5am!

Tonight I’m going to Allys, I dont know what my flatmates are doing. I cant wait for Kim to get back! Davey is going to the party and being a loser about it, like anyone wants him to go. Atleast Alex will be there and I know he wont just let it pass if Davey is being a knob.

Im off. Vodka and cranberry!xxx

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pear cider

20Oct08

thats all i need. and richmmodn mentols. why is he being like this? my self esteem is shattered now. Georgias bf just broke up with her and shes heartbroken so we were all sat having drinks and Olly said that hes going out tonite, and even though i shouldnt, I’m going to. Andrew wants to go to Missionary, which is a gay night, and to be honest I would of love to of gone anyway but I NEED TO GET OUT before this drives me insane. Being in a relationship proves im more of a fuck up than anything else.

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miles away

19Oct08

My head is gone. Why am I sat here feeling unlovable? Why do I take these signs as a reflection on my character? Can I even handle having a boyfriend right now? Can he handle me? Maybe the big question is, can anybody handle me? I feel like a mess. Soon as I get in a relationship it all fires up again. “Look how fat I’m getting’ ‘Ive definitly eaten way too much’ when im eating, ‘I reaallly shouldnt be eating’… yet, Im sat here with my ‘Pig Box’ next to me, full of crisps, chocolate and sweets. Ready to gorge it all again. Will this feeling ever go away? I can even be bothered to mvoe to make myself sick right now, I cant cut or burn. I have to put on my face tomorrow for the world and go to my lectures and uni and pretend im the together person I clearly am not at the moment.

I have photos from the weekend in Newcastle. Shitty phone camera ones. They still show how it is quite nice there though. Apart from that I dont feel like writing about the weekend. Nothing bad as such happened, I just can already feel myself distancing myself from him, already taking signals that I’ll never be good enough….good enough for anyone to love…

Hopefully and regretfully, maybe some online credit card use will be of help. Then I’ll knock myself out and get down to buissness tomorrow. I miss Georgia and Kim, I miss Chloe and Jess. Fuck my life x x x

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ill :(

08Oct08

This cold is driving me insane! I went to an out of hours doctor yesterday which was pointless! I want to enjoy time at uni not be all snotty and ill! Me and Ally went shopping after Religion in Modern Britian and Hisotry and Teaching of Jesus (which is actually so hard to keep up with!!!) during the lectures we had an hour break so we got some food and I had to visit the equality service for a bit and met this guide dog named Sheeba who was off duty so we got to pet her loads:) I town I got a blue coat from H&M and this really nice black dress. I think I’m gonna take the blue coat back tho. Kate met us for a bit and she is ill too:( I got a taxi home cos I was getting so feverish and feeble.

I gotta leave soon, gonna drop in to Student Counselling for a bit, drop some credits, meet my mentor, go to the library, maybe go to my lecture and maybe go to see if my debit card is there.

I cried so much last night. I am not fond of the feeling of desperation. Or confusion. Anyway, I feel a bit better now today and I feel as if I can get out of the house, maybe not on time but atleast I’ll be out. I deleted my myspace today aswell. Really cannot be bothered with the hassle provided from that website. I have a phone, an email and a Facebook. Thatll do.

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uni!

06Oct08

Ok, so this has pretty much been the only chance I’ve had to sit down and write about whats going on. Which is ridiculous because now I cant remember as much as I would of liked too!

I feel as if I’m getting a cold, I was standing strong being the only person in the house who hadnt got ill yet and I’m fading. Dave was supposed to come over today so I’m kind of glad he didnt seeing as I dont even have the energy to rustle some food up. Apparently someone in our halls had Melingitus and even tho I’m pretty sure its not that, I wouldnt want it.

Ok, I’ll talk about my actual subjects first and move on to the social side next. Mondays is my Sociology day, I have Sexuality, Subcultures and Stigma in the morning and a Sociological Thinking tutorial two hours later. Today we did about Becker, Goffman and a little bit about Matza and Cohen. I’d done all this at A Level so to be honest I was a bit dissappointed. I had hoped for more this week, seeing as last week was a general overview of what we’d be studying. After that I have student counselling, I have a really nice counseller, she is very supportive and its like hving a chat with someone rather than feeling theyre judging you. I had a bit of a cry today because of saturdays happenings but I guess I’m on the road to dealing with this self esteem issue. After that I popped to Natwest to collect my Debit Card which has my loan and grant in, however this took an hour and a fucking half. Needless to say I missed my first tutorial, felt unbelievably angry and ill, didnt get my card but walked out with £55 after another very long queue. I got home and waited for Dave to call and ended up falling asleep. He’s getting tattooed in Leeds on Friday so hes coming then instead.

I had Samurai and The Sacred on thursday which is ourlecture on Japanese religion, culture and tradition. I went to meet Jayson and just as I walked off he found me. We had a quiz and we managed about half a point between us out of 20. Hahah! Luckily the top mark was 10 and most of us looked pretty puzzled, hence why we’re there! Jayson walked into town with me after as I needed to pick up my photos from Boots and then I bought a new purse and a pig ashtray in Urban Outfitters. He left to go to his student society thing and I met Andy for a bit and we bummed about in town.

Sociological Thinking is pretty good. The tutor rattles on for ages however so its very hard to note take when hes going off on a million tangents but its interesting and worth being there for it. I walked up with Iain and his 2 friends from Block A & B, one of them who lives in Basingstoke! Very weird. Hes in my halls and on the same course and same Uni. Weird weird. I saw Paul for a bit too, he said he was trying to get my attention through the lecture but I was people watching without my glasses and obviously trying to pay attention to the ramblings.

Saturday was a bit of a disaster, I feel a bit shit about it even now. Fleur had come up on Friday and we went to Leeds Met for a bit. Ally, Kate, Jamie and Johnny were there. But soon as I got in pretty much some long haired boys shouted “EUGH” at me, so me and Fleur waged a bit of a war on them with cups flying at heads. Got to dance a bit and then busted when everyone wigged out. Fleur had a makeshift bed out of 4 pillows. Looked quite comfy. Then we went to Manchester, Chloe was supposed to come but she was still at Oli’s so it was me, Kim and Fleur. Kim went to meet her ex for a bit whilst me and Fleur hit the Hard Rock Cafe. I had the nicest veggie burger and chips and I  bought one of those cocktail glasses, which isnt as good as the Paris one but its important! Me and Fleur are trying to find Hard Rock Cafe tshirts from Japan, or somewhere crazy to buy. Manchester doesnt realyl cut it. We went shopping for a bit. I got some new jeans from Topshop which are lush and comfy! A waistcoat which is grey which red and white stripes from Urban Outfitters, a pink & black lumberjack cigarette holder and some heels with ruffles down the front. Very good purchsing day. We did however have to run to the car in the pouring rain.

Anyway, that wasnt the bad part of the day. We were having people round ours which was all fun, had ome drinking games and new people over but towards then end I ended up in my room feeling crap and lonely and decided to use my newest tool in ruining my life, fingers down the throat. My veggie burger came up and even though it was lovely I was glad I was empty. Because quite alot came up my throat was really painful and I kept coughing and getting palpitations so I layed down for a bit. Fleur came in and I think she had realised what happened, we got ready anyhow and went to the Faversham. Kim and Anna were going to come but Anna backed out so it was us 3 again. I wasnt eactly ecstatic to be there but we were having fun. Then Davey and Ben turn up walking in like their the shit. Have a good banter and stuff and then Ben puts his hands on my thighs and starts pointing out girls Davey has slept with. He pointed at this one girl with red hair, fat hanging out of her clothes and grinding up against some guy. Needless to say, I was massively pissed off. A few reasons why…a) Davey decided to text me recently telling me he was in love with me etc etc, we have hung out and I thought we were friends again…Ben telling me that fucked with my head…I dont need people lying to me or trying to emtionally fuck with me. b) She was rough, he will have sex with anything, I was insulted that I ever went near him. c) I didnt want to know, nor did I fucking ask to know. I kept walking off to the bar which clearly wasnt helping as I was drinking more and more and getting more and more upset and angry about it. Fleur and Kim cheered me up nd we danced to some good music and there were lots of hot guys. Then Fleur went to speak to pieface Winter and Tom and the club ended and we all went outside for a cig and to Fleurs car. A guy started chatting to me and took my number and Davey came over and started being a knob. I walked  off in a huff to Fleur and the guys and I cant remember much of the conversation except they were tking the piss out of me for being with Davey and Tom said I threw water at him once at an Atreyu show. Then we got in the car, which was stupid and Fleur was drunk and there were 4 people in the backseat. Rich and Tom kept winding me up so I was going nuts at them. And shouting out the window calling everyone a cunt. Not happy. Then they came back to the flat and stayed for like 5 mins and hinted very unsubtly they could leave anytime. Tom stayed over and jumped in my bed, I took my tablets which knocked me out but I do remember him trying it on with me and it just wasnt worth it. I’m shit. I have these unreal urges to have sex and then some days not at all. I miss Dave and although I’m very good at playing off my feelings as they mean nothing, I guess I care alot about him. Since I’ve been here my head has been fucked, I dont have chane to stop and think about what im doing or whats going on.

I’ll write some more stories in a bit. Shower time  x x x x

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Tags: drinking, ex boyfriends, partying, sociology, University

I am home

12Aug08

and I wish I wasnt! Paris was so much fun, being home in rainy England is terrible. I am coping with the boredom so far, another day though and I might be up the wall. Haha.

Mum is in some kind of ratty mood, on Sunday we went to the gym and she was telling me that she noticed my sister had put on more weight and told her, then my sister started crying and my mum was saying she felt bad. So I said that she always gets mega defensive about her weight and I dont ever make comments about it, the closest was when I offered her a trial date at the gym and she got soooo pissed off and moody with me. It wasnt like I was insulting her but the first people you would ask is ure family! I told my mum that and she was like ‘well uve never had the problem of being overweight, you have no idea what its like and how hard it is’. Granted, no I havent but I’ve lost extreme amounts of weight and I know what its like to want to DO something about ure weight wheras my sister is obviously upset about it but bothers to do nothing about it. I said that and she flys off again about how hard it is. I get that its hard, its bloody hard for me to PUT ON weight, its the fact that you need to first TRY to do something about it. She fucks me off always dismissing what I have to say, shes always right and I never am. I never have a valid point to her because she always knows best. What a load of bullshit!

Take me back to BLVD St Michel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dont come back again

03Aug08

I have the overwhelming urge to purge right now. I have no clue whats going on in my head. Ive been trying to gain weight for so long, but according to Milly and Fleur I just look like a twig anyway. Realise what you are saying. I just want some control back. And some comfort.

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Tags: eating issues

I know it is…

03Aug08

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Tags: post secret

Tattoo day

31Jul08

Today i got tattooed!

“T” is for ‘Truth’ and “R” is for ‘Rationality”. Alex at Poison Ink tattooed me, I was realloy really nervous at first and even though I took 3mg of Lorazpem I was still getting some anxiety symptoms! I managed to get a taxi ok and asked for his number so he could pick me up later. The two rides were £10.50 which isnt so bad considering I HATE buses. More like phobic of them. I might try and walk another time, when I go again. Anyway, the atomosphere there was really positive and friendly and I got to chat to Alex which was cool cos sometimes tattooists just dont talk and thats just not cool. The first one I had done was the heart key and it was painful towards the heel but bearable. The next foot however, was different. It twitched a bit and felt alot worse. It was still bearable but I couldnt numb it out like I usually do. It was more an uncomfortable pain.

When I got home I turned up my iTunes really loudly as no one was in and had a sing about. For the rest of the evening I’ve been sewing my 31G halterneck and new (Primark) checkered bag. I also added on some little bits.

I ran out of the anchor buttons though so I’m going to pick some more up tomrorow. The rest of my evening was made up of: being inspired by Gok’s fashion fixes, watching & laughing at the cops & robbers in Big Brother, tidying my room and changing my bedsheets, finding a new clock to put by my bedside, packing prematurely for Paris, tanning a bit more and getting rid of old make up.

To do list for tomorrow:

• Go to the gym
• Go to the library and pick up two books
• Buy facewipes, build up milkshake drink and polaroid film in Boots
• Send off Pauls Boutique bag at the Post Office
• Ask Dad for the ebay money
• Write a list for what I need to take to Paris
• Go to Fabric Land to pick up white ribbon, buttons and a zip
• Write out some positive affirmations on post it notes
• Text Richard

Ok, now I’m kinda tired. I’m going to try and sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I can have a productive day. xxxxxxxxxx

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Tags: handbags, make up, medication, rationality, sewing, tattoos, to do lists, truth