settle down

09Jul08

I couldnt really write yesterday as when i came from Comeback Kid I checked onto Myspce for a bit then tried to crash out in bed. Didnt work so well but I didnt zonk myself out on anything so I feel more alive than usual today ahah!

Ok, so luckily Xavia offerered me a lift to London with her the night before, which was really good as I didnt want to have to get the train home alone. (AND the show finished at 11.30 so I would have pretty much missed the last train anyway!)  we just had to drop Georgies stuff off at her new flat beforehand, which I was cool with. It was in Putney and there was a direct bus so I could of gone to meet Ian in central. Except they were and hour and a half late (!!!) so even when we got to Putney it was 6.30 and the doors to The Underworld opened 7pm. Their flat is lush though, it looks like its on some kind of nice council estate thing, inside its all whtie and really nicely set out, 4 bedrooms, little cute balcony! I really really wanted to move there. I was SO jealous and reminded me how much I wanted to be in Leeds! Xavia took ages to get ready and I was STARVING, I have these 2 for 1 at Wagamamas deals so we decided to go there. Me & Chloe were supposed to go but we got to Camden so late that I think she just wanted to go in plus I know shes not the biggest fan of Xavia. The food was so good, had the Yasai Yaki Soba mmmm. Xavia had this weird vegan dish which didnt taste nice to me lol. We got to the show and meet Sam and Xavias other friends outside. Didnt bother watching any of the other bands, I dont think Crime In Stereo played (ugh). We went out found a place to stand in the corner by the stairs whilst Shai Hulud were on so we could see without getting sweat forced in out eyes. The Underworld needs to sort the bloody air conditioning out. My tummy decided to start playing tricks on me and starting getting THE cough. I dont know if it was because I ate so much or because there were so many people around me. Usually at the Underworld I get that fucking cugh because theres always so many people near me. And I am gay and have personal space issues / gay anxiety. Luckily it went away, I hinted to Katie and she was like drink ure waterrr and it went away pretty soon. Comeback Kid were good, I put my glasses on so I could see everything perfectly. Something was missing though. I still love seeing them and enjoy their music…maybe it was the sweat…or my tummy……..or just I dont enjoy shows much anymore. I feel like I’ve got this lack of appriecation for stuff like that now.

It was a bit weird though cos Alena turned up, shes this girl from Download we meet who wasreally friendly with Toby & Ben. She hugn about with us a bit but seemed really awakard and didnt talk much, I could tell Katie didnt want her there lol. She seems ok to me, i dont like judging people straight off, maybe shes just shy…who knows.

Its been fucking raining for hours straight at the moment…..its July. Whats going on,serious. Part of me wants to go to the gym but the other part is like fuck the rain it is so depressing. My mum picked up the book we ordered last week, which is ‘Theology, A Very Short Introduction’. I can tell all of this is going to be a bit mind blowing at Uni. I love learning about it but put so much pressure on myself to learn about it that I cant concentrate. My memory is fucked at the moment and I cant remember anythign I’ve read of my ‘Existenislism and Humanism’ book. i love the fact I cant even spell half the things I’m reading. I know pretty much why I’m dyslexic, its weird as i was so good at reading and writing in school, I had a high reading age and then when I left, combined with all the fucking weird drugs the doctors gave me, it just went wrong. I have the knowledge in my head, just getting it out is the problem. Which is the problem for talking about my feelings too, it all ends up coming out wrong.

My new Primp top came through today though! YESSSS. Its white and has orange hearts with arrows through. I think its my 6th one? I REALLY want the steering wheel one but its £22 on ebay and I dont have much money to spend this week. I’ve made a good deal on ebay but thats for Paris. I can only order it and hope my dad will wait until I can pay him back. What is my deal with money, I dont have any mnoey yet I expect to have the things I like and want. I’m a dick?

My crush is literally taking over my mind. This is completely unlike me.

I might write later, thats if I actually get up to anything today. My mum handed in my repeat prescriptions for Lorazepam and Zopiclone yesterday. I have 2 days left of the Lorazepam, which I think I can ration effectivley. When I last wrote, I got proper touchy and zonked myself on Zopiclone, I was adament to forget the day I’d had. It did work in all honesty, I woke up feeling glued to the bed but I think my subconcious had sorted out some of the bad bits of the day. As for the Lorazepam, i’m worried my GP will one day just stop prescribing me it. Am I starting to sound like I’m addicted? I dont know if I buy into this whole drug addiction thing, WELL obviously addiction is prevelant nowadays but I think you have a choice, its not just like you take a pill and keep taking it and then you hit addiction. I dont NEED to take it everyday and I dont. It just makes day to day life easier, it is shit, but, I feel more myself. There arent many downsides to it, not many side effects, it perks me up when I’m a bit low. I have had a bit of withdrawl when I ran out, which I completely accept but I’m not willing to give up some easy days. I may be wrong in thinking that going to Uni will completely change me and my life, I dont expect it to change me into an all new fresh, positive, confident person. I can see that person in me anyway, without a doubt, there is that person in me already. Part of it is just stuck under something, for me, I think its routine. Its this fuckign boring, unfulfilling structure I’m sat in. This negative, dull environment. It could be said I should be pulling myself out from this, I can make my life however I want, I have to put the effort in to make my life good. Like my mum says though, I’m doing the best in the conditions I’ve got. I can see Uni giving me some independence. And I say giving, I mean, I’ll be EARNING my independence, my self assurance and confidence. Nothing has come particulary easy for me, not saying I’ve had the worst life ever, shit shit things have happened but my life now IS GREAT. I have amazing friends, which I never though i would have, I am healthy (minus a few things but theyre not important in this positive spectrum PLUS I have a choice in how I responsibly manage the health conditions I do have), my family are not……I dont know how to put it….they are fine…rather destructive but nothing I cant get over…….I feel more as ease with the way I look, I have a passion in life, I feel I can accurately connect with people for the first time in my life, I am off any type of anti-depressant/mood stabiliser etc, I have pretty much eradicated most of the self destructive behaviours and realised that its ok to slip back into them at certain times but they are not worth risking what I have for ultimate misery, I am generally not upset or feeling terrible most of the time and when I am I can change my attitude to make things better, I need not rely on a guy or other people for my happiness, I’m going somewhere with my life.

This constant push pull may never be over with. Fuck it, come what may! X X X

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Tags: clothes, Comeback Kid, dyslexia, family, food, london, medication, money, theology, uni