miles away

19Oct08

My head is gone. Why am I sat here feeling unlovable? Why do I take these signs as a reflection on my character? Can I even handle having a boyfriend right now? Can he handle me? Maybe the big question is, can anybody handle me? I feel like a mess. Soon as I get in a relationship it all fires up again. “Look how fat I’m getting’ ‘Ive definitly eaten way too much’ when im eating, ‘I reaallly shouldnt be eating’… yet, Im sat here with my ‘Pig Box’ next to me, full of crisps, chocolate and sweets. Ready to gorge it all again. Will this feeling ever go away? I can even be bothered to mvoe to make myself sick right now, I cant cut or burn. I have to put on my face tomorrow for the world and go to my lectures and uni and pretend im the together person I clearly am not at the moment.

I have photos from the weekend in Newcastle. Shitty phone camera ones. They still show how it is quite nice there though. Apart from that I dont feel like writing about the weekend. Nothing bad as such happened, I just can already feel myself distancing myself from him, already taking signals that I’ll never be good enough….good enough for anyone to love…

Hopefully and regretfully, maybe some online credit card use will be of help. Then I’ll knock myself out and get down to buissness tomorrow. I miss Georgia and Kim, I miss Chloe and Jess. Fuck my life x x x

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