what a week

26Oct08

Yes well, strangest week in the world. People are blowing fireworks off every minute from outside which is less than infuriating but more than annoying. Im dying of some fluent cough right now as are my flatmates. I’ve only smoked one cigarette in 3 days (go me.)

So tuesday was nervous breakdown down. I dont know what happened. It was ridiculous. Actually like an out of body experience, except it was me, with my feelings, in the places I go. I feel sorry for Harry and Liz who had to take care of me and the receptionist who I burst into tears on and who drove us to A&E. Harry doesnt think its best im in the Low Mood Group now (a group to tackle how bad moods get in the way of work and to work through them) which I find pretty dissappointing. I understand where he is coming from though as I was hysterical and he said people who are suicidal cant take part due to the hypnosis. I was only like that though because of whatever I snapped in to, I dont have any intention of doing anything like that. I just dont know what happened. So after A&E the psychiatrist referred me to Mallam House, which is like a day hospital or somewhere to go after a crisis. I met a really nice girl who was my age on the first day but she was really ill and had to go into a proper hospital the next day, which was really sad because she was sweet and even though mixed up I could tell she was a good person. Its sad seeing it happene to people when you know you can have no hand in helping them out as theyre in such a dark place.

I didnt really speak to anyone much the first couple of days, kind of hid in the second sitting room and slept and did my reading. My essay didnt get done which I feel so sick about and upset with myself about. But during the circumstances I suppose its not as bad as if I had just not done it, I have had to be in the silly place alot. Its not horrible there, I just feel stripped of something when I go there… I’m no longer me, I’m a mentally ill version of me and I dont like it. I can be vunerable and act however I want because everyone understands! I dont like that! I need to pull myself together and pretend that everythings calm under the surface because then eventually it is! Its not fun but thats the way it goes!

On Wednesday night I was not keen on staying in after I’d been in the day hospital all day and Jess text me asking me if I wanted to go to Atreyu and As I Lay Dying with her. I agreed seeing as I wasnt doing much else and if I stayed in I’d probably loose it. We had fun tho and got lots of chats in. I spent £15 on 3 drinks which left me in pain by the end of the night and we ended up leaving through Atreyus set. Everyone was about 14 there. We spotted two hot guys though who we kept our eye on then found out it was one of Katies friends from Cardiff who I’d met at Download breifly. So we hung out with them for a bit and they both had Atreyu tattoos (haha) and the short guitarist was lurking about so Jess went up to him and he took pictures of them and then was like “do you guys want a picture then?” haha yeah right! we got one anyway but seriously WHO ASKS THAT! I walked home by myself without getting attacked and collapsed in bed.

OH GOD, I forgot about Monday night. Ok so me and Dave had just pretty much broken up. I hit the bottle, pretty hard, I remember little. We went to a gay club with Andrew, Olly, Steph and Jayson. Now, apparently I ended up making out with a few girls, Jayson (who is gay) and falling asleep on the sofa. Wonderful. Whats with me.

Thursday I had another day of not going to lectures and to the day hospital instead. I did 60 pages on reading then came home and Olly & chris walked me half way to the Uni where I went to meet Alex. We went for a drink at the Union and played pool (which I won) even though I was shit at it and I only won cos he potted black (or something like that, I dont know the rules) then we walked into town and went to Subculture but the music was SHIT so we went to Oceana but it was £6 to get in so we longed that off. I was really tired so he walked me back to mine, came into mine for a few cigs and then left as I died in pain again.

Friday I wake up after a night of hot and cold feverish type feelings.  Blocked nose, headache, muscle pain everywhere especially back pain. My eyes cained if I looked into light. Couldnt go into lectures or to Mallam House cos I didnt want to infect anyone. My mum came up at 3 and I felt bad for not meeting her at the station or showing much effort or excitement (my mood has been on one very constant level of BLEUGH this week though) we just went to the shop on Friday and then watched TV which was cool. She stressed me out a bit but saturday was worse. We went shopping and I took my Lorazepam and painkillers so I was pretty sweeet during most of the day but then after a good lot of shopping in the Topshop sale and in Peacocks we went into River Island where I found the lushest dress. It was in a 6 so I was happy & went to try it on. My mum comes in a the zip is caught and she thinks I cant fit into it. THEN when we get the security tag off the zip does up but she says “oooh this is tight, better not get any fatter” FATTER? FATTER? did you HAVE TO SAY THAT? not even that sentence BUT THAT WORD. Ive been in that fucking place for a week (ok, I’m not over exagrreatiing being there it could be worse) BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT. She knows I still have eating issues, not puking issues but eating issues she knows. The more I think about it the more i get angry and upset. Whatever. Then we went for a Nandos and to the cinema to see ‘Burn After Reading’ which was really funny, except we were so close to the front but it didnt actually hurt my eyes that bad. Brad Pitt was so funny in it, I was pretty upset when he got shot haha. Then we bumped into Chloe & Bridie in the toilets which was mega conicidental! It was good tho, I was so spaced out it didnt feel real (alot feels like that lately). Me and my mum had a mini arguement when we got home but I had loads of fun sleeping on the hard floor again and waking up at 5am!

Tonight I’m going to Allys, I dont know what my flatmates are doing. I cant wait for Kim to get back! Davey is going to the party and being a loser about it, like anyone wants him to go. Atleast Alex will be there and I know he wont just let it pass if Davey is being a knob.

Im off. Vodka and cranberry!xxx

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