Archive Page 2
AH!
I havent written here in a while. I guess I’ve been a bit busy, I have FELT busy, which is nice, not much time to sit about and think about things!
On Friday I went to the V-Team BBQ at the Orchard….Mum walked with me and even though I wasnt that nervous walking up there, I suddenly got so sick and shakey and Mum came in with me. I’m glad she did because I dont know what i would of done if I was by myself really. I asked at reception to see someone and Janey came up after a while and told me to mingle and talk later, which wound me up because she wasnt really talking to me, she was talking AT me. That upset me a bit, I cant handle people when they act like that. I just couldnt go and ‘mingle’, I dont need to really, i know what I want to do and I said that on the phone! Luckily, this nice lady came and spoke to us and she was really friendly. Ive got an appointment to see her. I walked out feeling so shit though, i was nearly in tears. I felt like such a failure. Mum left to go to the gym and I went to post some shoes to someone on eBAY. Aaron managed to meet me just as I was coming out of the post office and we went for a Subway. It was well sweet, he paid for my Subway. Then we went to see the new Batman film, The Dark Knight, at the cinema. It was AMAZING. I had loads of fun with Aaron aswell. He got this really weird phone call though at home from this guy called “Shaun Barry” accusing him of stealing this guys post!! It was hilarious to hear on the phone, I feel bad for him cos I cant tell if its a crazy old man or a prank call!
I did pretty much fuck all on saturday. I wanted to save money so I stayed in. Did some reading and watched some of the DVD’s I bought- Oceans Twelve and Blow.
On Sunday I went to Coventry to see Granny & Grandad and Aunty Yahd. Waking up after not much sleep is so ahrd to do, Dad has this mega annoying alarm aswell which makes me want to gauge my eyes out. Sleep is a definite must for me to be happy. It was nice tos ee eveyrone, I got to have some proper talks which I’m usually too shy to do because I hate talking when everyone is in the room. Me & Granny went to Hobbycraft and she bought me some watercolour pencils and these cut things to stick on hair clips or cards. These pirate themed ones and time themed ones. I thought it would be cool to stick on a card for someone.
I’m fed up of writing now. I wish Shauny would pick up his phone. The heat is killing me. x x x
HAHAH REX ON BIG BROTHER.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: animals, family, frogs, portraits, volunterring
ugh!
People are so flaky. Completely have to bail on Tommy H’s birthday thing now.
However, Vixen messaged me and we’re gonna hang out tomrorow, hit the cinema, cocktail bars and go shopping. She phoned me earlier and we havent spoken in ages, probably years, on the phone and it was cool! Im excited!
Then ted rung me as he was at the train station, I totally forgot as I had such a fun day today seeing Mamma Mia with my mum at the cinema and picking up some DVDs from HMV. I bought, The Usual Suspects, V for Vendetta, American Psycho and Blow. Anyway, Ted rung me and we’re gonna try and hang for a bit tomrorow whilst I’m in London. He said I should stay at tommo’s but he’s been really funny with me, no idea why, but I cba with him so I reckon me and Ted will just go catch up somewhere!
Charlie got back from Thailand yesterday I think? So I’m gonna meet him tomorrow, he’s going to Tommy H’s birthday thing but I wont have anywhere to stay and I’d rather go home as I’ve got things to do on Friday and I dont want to miss them or be stressed for them!
I hate to be bicthy about Tommy but hes really winding me up. I never ever see him and I try to invite him out and stuff but he always makes some excuse. Every time I go out near him he never reciprocates it. And last time I went out to where he lived, he stayed int he pub he was in and didnt bother to come and hang out with me & the people I was with (that he knew!). Like, he obviously cant be bothered and it sounds big headed but I have to see and put effort in with so many other people…especially people who put effort back in with me. Pfft.
I need to sleep now. American Wife Swap is on but I’m ready to crash out now. Thankyou Ativan, thankyou!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Filed under: Positive, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: cinema, DVDs, friends, london
i guess this is late
Taken 3 Zpoiclone and I’m still awake. I just wanna go to sleep. I keep crying. I watched this good film earlier, which shed some wierd impact on things, it was called ‘Where the Heart is’ or along those lines.
Today I pushed my Dad the last chocolate since I think it was a dark one. He told me that by eating it it would make him a pig. Where did my food issues appear from. I thougth about it today, I dont have a problem with large people, but when I see people scoffing food into their mouths, it makes me feel SO sick. I feel sick because I just is/or looks so greedy and so out of control.
Mum is back from holiday. Her flight was delayed by about 5 hours. Originally, they were to leave at 00.40am but they ended up at getting to Gatwick at 05.40. I was going to come along in the car, I miss her so much and I love being in airports and this sounds stupid, doing something that involves us all as a family. I got to about 4am and then passed out asleep (from the Zopiclone)
I feel so empty lately.
I know that is probably a part of the Bi Polar. I’ve been down for two weeks now, self medicating, trying to drink, nothings working. Its only blurring it out. All I wanna do is lie in bed all day. Well actually, I DONT want to, its all I feel like doing. I managed to call the Millenium Volunteers on thursday I think. I had taken the Ativan but it feels like a positive step. The lady, Janey, called me back today but I was paralysed in bed from those stupid pills. So I’m going to write a to do list to try to help get me out of this black hole…
To Do List:
- Call Jayne back and try and book an appointment with her or Shelaigh
- Go to the Gym with Mum
- Then to the cinema afterwards to see ‘Mamma Mia’
- Check if eBayer has paid up
- If they have, label package and post shoes.
- Make Tommy H a birthday card
- Buy deep cleansing conditioner in town
- Take out £10 to put into savings
- Try and fill in the Benefit form
I really really really more than anything right now, want to be out of this country, on a beach somewhere, taking amazing pictures, scuba driving and living. This place is driving me crazy. I just wish I had the money to take on a course this summer so I could get another A-Level or even the Law GCSE I want.
I’ll leave it here for now as I know I’m low and I’ve written enough. I’ll try and pick it up ona positive tomrorow. xxx
Filed under: Negative | Leave a Comment
Tags: depression, eating issues, family, medication, sleeping pills, the gym, volunteering
why
cant my mum be back tonight! My dad just said hes sick of me and my sister.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: family
photographs
that I love today.
“Sing a song for me and tell me that youll never leave my side. I’ll meet you at 7, I miss you already”
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: fashion photography, photographs, The Starting Line
settle down
I couldnt really write yesterday as when i came from Comeback Kid I checked onto Myspce for a bit then tried to crash out in bed. Didnt work so well but I didnt zonk myself out on anything so I feel more alive than usual today ahah!
Ok, so luckily Xavia offerered me a lift to London with her the night before, which was really good as I didnt want to have to get the train home alone. (AND the show finished at 11.30 so I would have pretty much missed the last train anyway!) we just had to drop Georgies stuff off at her new flat beforehand, which I was cool with. It was in Putney and there was a direct bus so I could of gone to meet Ian in central. Except they were and hour and a half late (!!!) so even when we got to Putney it was 6.30 and the doors to The Underworld opened 7pm. Their flat is lush though, it looks like its on some kind of nice council estate thing, inside its all whtie and really nicely set out, 4 bedrooms, little cute balcony! I really really wanted to move there. I was SO jealous and reminded me how much I wanted to be in Leeds! Xavia took ages to get ready and I was STARVING, I have these 2 for 1 at Wagamamas deals so we decided to go there. Me & Chloe were supposed to go but we got to Camden so late that I think she just wanted to go in plus I know shes not the biggest fan of Xavia. The food was so good, had the Yasai Yaki Soba mmmm. Xavia had this weird vegan dish which didnt taste nice to me lol. We got to the show and meet Sam and Xavias other friends outside. Didnt bother watching any of the other bands, I dont think Crime In Stereo played (ugh). We went out found a place to stand in the corner by the stairs whilst Shai Hulud were on so we could see without getting sweat forced in out eyes. The Underworld needs to sort the bloody air conditioning out. My tummy decided to start playing tricks on me and starting getting THE cough. I dont know if it was because I ate so much or because there were so many people around me. Usually at the Underworld I get that fucking cugh because theres always so many people near me. And I am gay and have personal space issues / gay anxiety. Luckily it went away, I hinted to Katie and she was like drink ure waterrr and it went away pretty soon. Comeback Kid were good, I put my glasses on so I could see everything perfectly. Something was missing though. I still love seeing them and enjoy their music…maybe it was the sweat…or my tummy……..or just I dont enjoy shows much anymore. I feel like I’ve got this lack of appriecation for stuff like that now.
It was a bit weird though cos Alena turned up, shes this girl from Download we meet who wasreally friendly with Toby & Ben. She hugn about with us a bit but seemed really awakard and didnt talk much, I could tell Katie didnt want her there lol. She seems ok to me, i dont like judging people straight off, maybe shes just shy…who knows.
Its been fucking raining for hours straight at the moment…..its July. Whats going on,serious. Part of me wants to go to the gym but the other part is like fuck the rain it is so depressing. My mum picked up the book we ordered last week, which is ‘Theology, A Very Short Introduction’. I can tell all of this is going to be a bit mind blowing at Uni. I love learning about it but put so much pressure on myself to learn about it that I cant concentrate. My memory is fucked at the moment and I cant remember anythign I’ve read of my ‘Existenislism and Humanism’ book. i love the fact I cant even spell half the things I’m reading. I know pretty much why I’m dyslexic, its weird as i was so good at reading and writing in school, I had a high reading age and then when I left, combined with all the fucking weird drugs the doctors gave me, it just went wrong. I have the knowledge in my head, just getting it out is the problem. Which is the problem for talking about my feelings too, it all ends up coming out wrong.
My new Primp top came through today though! YESSSS. Its white and has orange hearts with arrows through. I think its my 6th one? I REALLY want the steering wheel one but its £22 on ebay and I dont have much money to spend this week. I’ve made a good deal on ebay but thats for Paris. I can only order it and hope my dad will wait until I can pay him back. What is my deal with money, I dont have any mnoey yet I expect to have the things I like and want. I’m a dick?
My crush is literally taking over my mind. This is completely unlike me.
I might write later, thats if I actually get up to anything today. My mum handed in my repeat prescriptions for Lorazepam and Zopiclone yesterday. I have 2 days left of the Lorazepam, which I think I can ration effectivley. When I last wrote, I got proper touchy and zonked myself on Zopiclone, I was adament to forget the day I’d had. It did work in all honesty, I woke up feeling glued to the bed but I think my subconcious had sorted out some of the bad bits of the day. As for the Lorazepam, i’m worried my GP will one day just stop prescribing me it. Am I starting to sound like I’m addicted? I dont know if I buy into this whole drug addiction thing, WELL obviously addiction is prevelant nowadays but I think you have a choice, its not just like you take a pill and keep taking it and then you hit addiction. I dont NEED to take it everyday and I dont. It just makes day to day life easier, it is shit, but, I feel more myself. There arent many downsides to it, not many side effects, it perks me up when I’m a bit low. I have had a bit of withdrawl when I ran out, which I completely accept but I’m not willing to give up some easy days. I may be wrong in thinking that going to Uni will completely change me and my life, I dont expect it to change me into an all new fresh, positive, confident person. I can see that person in me anyway, without a doubt, there is that person in me already. Part of it is just stuck under something, for me, I think its routine. Its this fuckign boring, unfulfilling structure I’m sat in. This negative, dull environment. It could be said I should be pulling myself out from this, I can make my life however I want, I have to put the effort in to make my life good. Like my mum says though, I’m doing the best in the conditions I’ve got. I can see Uni giving me some independence. And I say giving, I mean, I’ll be EARNING my independence, my self assurance and confidence. Nothing has come particulary easy for me, not saying I’ve had the worst life ever, shit shit things have happened but my life now IS GREAT. I have amazing friends, which I never though i would have, I am healthy (minus a few things but theyre not important in this positive spectrum PLUS I have a choice in how I responsibly manage the health conditions I do have), my family are not……I dont know how to put it….they are fine…rather destructive but nothing I cant get over…….I feel more as ease with the way I look, I have a passion in life, I feel I can accurately connect with people for the first time in my life, I am off any type of anti-depressant/mood stabiliser etc, I have pretty much eradicated most of the self destructive behaviours and realised that its ok to slip back into them at certain times but they are not worth risking what I have for ultimate misery, I am generally not upset or feeling terrible most of the time and when I am I can change my attitude to make things better, I need not rely on a guy or other people for my happiness, I’m going somewhere with my life.
This constant push pull may never be over with. Fuck it, come what may! X X X
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: clothes, Comeback Kid, dyslexia, family, food, london, medication, money, theology, uni
today
has been a bit shit. First off, I had CBT, woke up late for it. Got my ebay stuff together to post and tried to get a stain out of a handbag and the aptern decided to come off the handbag so its unsellable. CBT was abismal, just cried for ages. I’m not massively upset over anything but today something just got to me? After I cried I felt better though and nothing bothered me that much walking home, it even rained on me and I didnt care that much! Just felt like lying about doing nothing today so today has pretty much consisted of lying in bed feeling sorry. Then once again something stupid happened, had dinner, then went to the fridge for an ice lolly (one of the only treats I get tbf) and my sister has eaten ALL of them. I had one and she had 9. Thats sharing isnt it? I know its a fucking ice lolly but its the respect thing of the matter, she pigged them all in like 4 days? Then my mum got involved and was like, ‘dont get miserable about it’, miserable? Over an ice lolly? Its the principle, if anyone did that I’d be a bit like wtf. Either say we’re sharing them or not. Its simple.
Now I’m worried I’ve pissed Katie off. We’re supposed to go to Comeback Kid on Friday in Newport. The plans changed a bit and Holly wants to go and see Shauny and hang and go see CBK and its so much easier for me to get in the car with her. I’d have to get up at like 8 to get to London to meet Katie and it costs more before 9 or 12 on the train. I’d be pissed off if someone backed out on me but its loads of hassle and I’ve got limited monies this week as of the amount of shows I’m off to.
Good thing- Ian texted me today to see if I wanted to meet in London tomorrow and go to photography exhibitions. one at the Tate, which I went to with my mum. I think I will meet him anyway and catch up for a bit before going to the Underworld.
Apart from that I just got told something that I’m not thrilled about. I get so attached so easily, its shit. I can either get so attached or not attached at all. Why is it always the wrong way round? I can never trust my judgement and know how much effort to put in. It makes me feel well awakard but I shouldnt be stressing so much over it….let things happen themselves and just be myself I think. It brings my insecurities out.
Great now Dave is being proper weird with me. Impossible to have a proper conversation with atm. I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Say It Like You Mean It by the Starting Line…so good right now! haha!
X X X
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: cbt, food, relationships
this has got to start somewhere
This is my personal online space to write about the day to day things I’m doing. I guess, its more so I remember what I’ve done every day and what I’ve done thats been prodcutive, or not so productive! Its strange to think, I have about 8 kinds of diarys/journals!
I’m reeeeeeeeeeeally wanting to spend some money right now, which is unfortunate seeing as this week is going to busy! But I had money saved and luckily asos.com sent a £10 coupon off in the post, so I’m definitly going to be buying this:
Then theres the other things I’ve been searching for online and in magazines:
Retrorebels.com / £24.00
ASOS.com / £10
Retrorebels.com / £30
ASOS.com / £20
ASOS.com / £30
Sailorjerry.com / $30 (about £15?!!!)
On to what I ate today:
-
Seeing as I was out until like 4am, A chicken & bacon double helping subway with extra cheese, lettuce and mayo- pig!
-
Ready Salted Walkers crisps
-
A Citrus Fruits Frescato from Costa, which apparently is 99% fat free.
-
About half of Christian’s raspberry and white chocolate muffin
-
A ham sandwhich and 2 patte sandwhiches
- And on to dinner…the biggest thing ever! Pasta with pesto, a salad with lettuce, spring onion and boiled potato. Then with chicken and cheese! I had to eat it in two sittings! Heh!
I had the sunbed today. For some reason i find it really relaxing a nice. For CBT I had to move it on the getting out by myself front, so I walked there and back alone and sorted it out myself. Which, if anyone was reading this, which they wont be, isnt anything but to me it is quite huge. I had taken the Ativan in the morning but I guess it was close to wearing off when I got back from London!
Ah, as for London, loads of fun! Well, I thought it was anyway! I think most people expect to much of an exciting crazy night if youre going to a club in London but I just enjoyed being in my friends company, especially since there was such an excellent selection of people there! Amber through a huge fit, she was overly overly overly drunk. In all honesty I dont know how she wasnt sick? But Milly was supposed to be staying with her and she bailed on that and like ran off trying to get the bus by herself. Which none of us were prepared to let her do. Well Chloe or me, most people said it but they didnt know her so it was up to us really. Amber ended up really upsetting Chloe by yelling at her and being so ungrateful, which I tried to confront her about only for her to rattle on about something completely different. I feel she may have been appearing more drunk than she was as to have to not answer. I had to psychially drag her off busses and then she decided to pee in the middle of the street, next to the bus stop, right by the Royal Courts Of Justice in Aldwych. Luckily, in the end, after 2 hours of crying, whinging, waiting, bitching, dragging, pushing about…her dad came to pick her up and we tried to continue on with our night.
It wasnt really happening though. We ended up losing Shaun, Abby and her friend Kellie along the way somewhere! Katie and Kate went home earlier which was a shame but I get to see Katie loads next week which is awesome. I got to hang out with Char a bit more, which was cool. There is so much manufactured drama when you go to London, its nice to know not everyone buys into it and believes what they hear, or they actually have a rational head screwed on about these things. I want to see the pictures but I know Fleur has gone to pick Adam up from Luton as him and others have all been to a festival in Germany. I had no space in my bag to bring any of my cameras!
I need to magically conjour up a Reading Festival ticket from somewhere. I said I wouldnt go and camp this year but I’ve got the idea of camping with Milly and her friends. I think this is the best bet as theyre more chilled out and less angry. I want to camp with Charlie too but I think I’d feel a bit unwelcome in their camp. IDK.
I’m gonna go take the Melatonin and go to sleep! I just heard a storm come on I swear, my lights flickered on off too.
X X X
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: food, london, shopping
Search
-
You are currently browsing the sexandglue at wordpress weblog archives.
